Sarcasm Will Get You No Where
by Anieni
Summary: Summary: Three modern day women end up in Middle-earth. What? That's been done? Good, then you already know the ending will be a happy one. rn Cast: Everyone we can manage
1. It's Not My Imagination!

Title: It's Not My Imagination!

Part One of the Sarcasm Will Get You No Where... except Middle-earth Saga

Authors: Zhie, Laura, and Mei

Rating: soft R for language, sexual situations

WARNING: Mention of slash, slash does NOT occur.

Disclaimer: We don't own it. If we did, would we be writing about it?

Summary: Three modern day women end up in Middle-earth. What? That's been done? Good, then you already know the ending will be a happy one.

Cast: Everyone we can manage

Notes: This was inspired by the story Missy wrote, for without it this bunny would not have been born, and without that, we'd all be leading such boring lives when we could be running about snogging and jumping elves. Replaces all of the wardens arrows with long stemmed roses. Long live the self-insert story! Written for the JFA Challenge #2

includes not-so-special 'find the other titles' game throughout the story

**It's Not My Imagination!**

Part One of the **Sarcasm Will Get You Nowhere**... except Middle-earth Saga

She cautiously tiptoed from one side of the garden to the other, trying to figure out exactly where she was. There were steps, and she had climbed those, but there was nothing, just trees, and not like any forest she ever could remember. So now she was pacing, or wandering, and it was no surprise that she nearly walked into the large stone birdbath. "What a silly place for a birdbath, and not even water in it for the birds," she said, and picked up a pitcher someone had discarded.

Walking to the little stream of clear water that flowed through, she tried to recall what had happened. She remembered driving, hoping she would get home **just in time for dessert** and feeling drowsy, and she must have dozed off just before heading toward the edge of the very high and perilous cliff she had been driving around. What she didn't know was that she had fallen into a portal that had dropped her right in the middle of-

"Lothlórien has always been friend to Imladris." Voices came from the top of the stairway, and she dropped the pitcher into the stream, leaving it to sink as she found a suitable hiding place.

"Yes, but I'm not from Imladris," protested a second, familiar voice. "If you launch an **Imladris investigation**, you'll soon learn that. In fact, I'm not even from Middle-earth."

Crouching behind a rather large rose bush, Zhie gasped as her hair fell forward into her eyes. In part, this was because her hair had never been so soft or shiny, or so bouncy, or so long, or so ripply before. But mostly, it was because she saw the Lady Galadriel and the Lord Celeborn, walking with her good friend, Mei, **lagging behind** them.

"Of course not," Galadriel said, shooting a worried look just over Mei's head to Lord Celeborn.

Zhie narrowed her eyes and craned her neck to see better. Something was definitely not right, beyond the fact that she was crawling around behind a rose bush in a strange place with elves. Mei was taller. Much taller. Way taller. And, she also had shiny, bouncy, fluffy hair, except hers was still striped with red, a drastic contrast to her now violet eyes. But there was something else, something that she could clearly see, and she noted now, without her glasses. In fact, Zhie wasn't sure where her glasses had gone to, except she didn't have them and yet she wasn't seeing a blur. What she was seeing was Mei's perfectly pointed ears.

Pushing back the bouncy, shiny, ripply locks that covered her own, Zhie let out a fairly loud, "Sonofabalrog," as she found the pointed tips of her ears.

"Kids are in bed and sleeping, lunches are ready, the dog has been out and the cat litter box is clean!" With a heavy sigh Laura sat on the couch only to get up an instant later. "Uniforms, I forgot the uniforms," she told Balam the golden retriever that followed her every step happily wagging his tail.

Once the kids' uniforms were ready she went over her mental list one more time. Convinced she was done for the day she grabbed a glass of juice, her tattered copy of the Silmarillion, and sat on the lounge under a lamp in the patio.

"Five minutes, maybe I can even stay awake for half an hour reading," she said before dozing off.

It was the batting of wings that woke her up from her dreams of **wine and daisies**. "**What's that odd sound?**" she asked no one in particular. The wind blew her shiny, long, curling tresses. So large was the bird staring at her as it approached the tiny spec of light that was her patio.

Thinking it was a dream Laura turned her head and tried to go back to sleep, only to be suddenly awakened by Balam's furious barking when the huge eagle grabbed her in his claws and took off.

"Let go of me!" she yelled at the top of her lungs. Her fists beat the large bird. "I said, let go of me, damn it!"

Balam kept barking, the house looking smaller and smaller. She yelled louder and louder, beating with closed fits harder and harder. Thorondor decided to teach her a lesson and once they were high enough opened his enormous claws and released his prey. Laura plummeted down. She had thought she could not scream anymore, but what a mistake that had been. The ground approached at an amazing speed when she finally closed her eyes.

If eagles smiled, this one did. Sweeping low he caught her and Laura landed in the soft feathers of his back, where she clung for dear life.

"... and the next thing I knew," explained Mei, "my computer had gone haywire, I was being literally sucked into it, and now, I'm here. I didn't come from Imladris, or Mirkwood or any of the other places, I came from California."

Zhie had already retold her story to the Lord and Lady, and now the pair of misplaced ex-mortals waited as Galadriel and Celeborn conversed with one another. Finally, Galadriel said, "These events were foretold in the mirror, but something makes me uneasy. I saw a third in the images I was shown."

Zhie and Mei exchanged looks. "So, stupid question. You saw us coming. Did you see us going back?" asked Zhie with a **ray of hope**. "My weekend is really booked, and I have tickets for a concert."

"I'm supposed to be at work right now. Evil company computer," mumbled Mei under her breath.

"I'm sorry," said the Lady. "I did not see that. But come, and rest, and we shall discuss this further after I have consulted with Lord Elrond. For now, I shall place you in the care of my most trusted wardens."

"Oh, to have **the perils of being a warden**," said the Lord wistfully.

His wife smiled, but did not answer him. "Haldir! Orophin! Rumil! Dinendal!" The four wardens appeared practically out of thin air, only to blink, mouths gaping, at the pair of newcomers. "Haldir, if you and Dinendal would be so kind to show Lady Mei to a guest talan and see to her needs; Orophin and Rumil, the same, but for Lady Zhie."

Lord Celeborn, giving a longing look at the two who had graced his woods with their presence, said, "Perhaps I should-" He was interrupted by a most unusual sound.

When she finally dared to open her eyes she knew she was no longer home, the orange glow of the city was not visible anymore. Huge trees were beneath, somewhere in the back of her mind she knew she had seen the landscape before.

"Damn! You brought me to Middle Earth didn't you? Now you tell me who will take care of my family? Who will clean the litter box? Huh? Huh?" Thronodor shook his large head and flew lower; Laura felt she could almost touch the top of the trees if only she would reach down.

"Wake up! Wake up Laura! Come on, wake up, now!" she kept telling herself. When the large bird made an unexpected turn and she slid, panic gripped her. She fell off his back and this time he made no attempt to catch her.

"Ohhhhhhh! Shiiiiii…….!" She heard herself scream as the green canopy approached her too, too fast. Her arms covered her face to protect it from the branches, but to her surprise she felt none. It was as if the trees had made way for her to land, in fact, it seemed she was slowing down instead of gaining speed in her fall.

Descending almost like a feather blown in the wind she landed amid the strangest company. It was **as easy as falling** onto a bed of pillows.

"Mei?"

Turning around quickly she gasped.

"Zhie?"

Zhie walked over and reached out to lift up Laura's hair. "Pointy ears. Somehow, I'm not surprised."

"How fortunate you have arrived, and yet, how unfortunate," spoke Lady Galadriel. Without further explanation of anything to poor Laura, whose lashes fluttered over confused golden-speckled green eyes, Lady Galadriel began to replan. "Orophin, I shall need you and your brother- no, not you, Haldir, Rumil- to show Lady Laura to a guest talan, and... oh, poo, I've run out of trustful wardens." Turning to the ladies, Galadriel said, "You see, I always pair them up, that way one won't try to take advantage of a poor, innocent maiden." At the words innocent maiden', all three had to try very, very hard not to laugh. They didn't want Lady Galadriel to have **hurt feelings, and soft blankets** were something they all very much desired at the moment. Lord Celeborn placed a hand on Lady Galadriel's shoulder.

"My dear, I can see to Lady Zhie's... accommodations," he said, easing his wife's grief. "I shall return as promptly as I am able," he told his wife, more than eagerly tucking Zhie's arm into his and pulling her close to his side. "Shall we, then?" He started off without further word to a small clutch of trees down the hill, his silvery eyes meeting her fiery opalescent ones.

Traveling in another direction, Mei and Laura began to discuss the odd circumstances as they walked, a Lórien elf on each side of each of them. "Uh, Haldir," said Mei, "you, well, you needn't walk so very close." She somehow could sense **Haldir's temptation**. It was as if they all could tell that every elf in the forest wanted them.

"Nonsense, m'lady," he said. "I am here to protect you from the likes of orcs, and wargs, and Lurien," he added as they nearly ran into the elf in question. He raised a brow at them, but did not follow as the party continued. Something could be heard from in moments later about him being a better choice and cleaning up after Haldir's attempts as he walked off.

" **Luscious' Lurien strikes again**," mumbled Orophin to Rumil, who snickered.

They passed by Thandronen and his twin sons, Ferevellon and Fereveldir. Haldir, his brothers, and Dinendal all politely bowed their heads, and the other wardens did the same, and then Ferevellon's eyes nearly popped out of his head.

"Never have I seen such beauty," he told his twin brother, whose chest was heaving in pure lust at the sight of them. "My brother, there are two of them, and two of us, and-"

"There are four of us," shouted Orophin, his acute elven hearing picking up their words. "So... nyah." Leaving two elves with looks of rejection and one old married elf who was still casting his eyes over the newcomers with obvious appreciation, Mei rolled her eyes.

"Look, we're not that good looking, so cut out the act," she said, tossing her bouncy hair over her shoulder. The four elves looked aghast.

"Not-"

"-that-"

"-good-"

"-looking," finished Dinendal. "My word, the light of two trees is in your face, and the stars of Elbereth alight your eyes," he said, putting his hand upon her cheek. "These hands, so delicate and gentle, yet holding the strength able to grasp a sword or a bow. This skin," he said, taking up her hands in his and holding them to his breast, "soft as the petals of a rose, and pale as the full moon. Ai! I think I am in love," he admitted, taking to one knee before her.

"Yeah, okay." She pulled him back up. "Where is the guest tree? I need a nap." This did not seem to daunt Dinendal, who, with Haldir, happily led her towards the large guest tree in the distance.

Looking around, Laura spotted a lovely, cozy looking tree. It was a little homely in appearance, but it looked quite inviting. "Is that one being used by anyone?" she asked.

"Oh, that one." Rumil crinkled his nose. "You don't want to use that one," he said. Orophin nodded in agreement.

"Why not?" Laura halted their progress. "It looks so nice. And far less stairs to climb."

Orophin took hold of her hand and tried to pull her away. "Because **the hidden talan** is the one for the Imladris delegation, and though there are spare rooms, you would not want to be in there, for Lord Elrond's advisors are visiting, and they are so terrible to deal with."

"Always, Erestor mourning his loss of Galadriel when they were young, and Glorfindel, well..." Rumil shook his head.

"What?" asked Laura. "What's the matter with Lord Glorfindel?"

"He's... let's say his arrows don't fly as straight as everyone else's," replied Orophin. "If his was **the last arrow in the quiver**, so to speak, you would be spending many lonely nights alone. So, he's been trying to jump on Erestor's rebound for years, despite the fact that Erestor does not swing that way."

"Correct me if I'm wrong," said Laura, taking a few steps toward the tree, "but after a year or two, it seems it wouldn't count as a 'rebound'."

"We're elves!" Orophin reminded her. "A year, two, two thousand, two ages, it doesn't really matter." He crossed his arms. "You can go if you like, but we're not coming with you, no matter how irresistible you are."

"Um, thank you. I think," she said, walking down the path to the cozy tree. She did not catch the other two Lórien brothers **backside gazing** as she went.

Laura climbed the ladder like an expert, and knocked on the door of the main flet. She heard a voice as someone approached. "...and really, if you're going to be like that, then we should just go home and-" The door opened to reveal a most spectacular elf, majestic and regal, golden hair brushed to shine like the sun. His body perfect in every way, and he was dressed in warm colors, the velvet complementing his honeyed voice. Everyone loved him; Ellyth wanted him and Elves wanted to be him. In other words, if he had been born a woman, he'd have been the perfect Mary Sue. After only **the third kiss**, Glorfindel would swear years later that that was all it took from this elleth to turn him straight.

"Glorfindel? Who is at the door?" Another elf approached, and perhaps if Laura had not been engaged with kissing the first elf who opened the door, she would have noticed the second. He contrasted the elf she was currently attached by the lips to, but not severely. Dark, ebony tresses hung down his back, curling to graze the back of his knees. Hugging his legs was black leather, and spilling off his lithe but muscled frame a shirt of midnight blue silk. His chocolate eyes widened at the scene before him, and he gently but firmly came between them, pulling the lady into his own arms. "Glorfindel, do not tease her." Erestor looked down into the beautiful face, dark pools capturing her sparkling green ones. "My dear, welcome to the Imladris Embassy. May we... assist you in any way?"

There was quite a lot of assistance given from both ambassadors of Imladris that night.

News of their coming traveled wide and far, rumors of the beauties that now resided in the Golden Woods spread like wild fire. Some spoke about them in fear, some in awe. The fact remained all spoke about them.

"So, Mei," asked Laura as they strolled nearby the Celebrant, "what did you do yesterday?"

"Oh, the same as usual," she said with a small shrug, swinging **the magic sword** she had been given by Gandalf back and forth in perfect arcs. "Went to the borders with the boys and slew orcs. I think I killed at least three thousand, perhaps four Had nearly a thousand of them hitting on me – well, all of the ones that it took two strikes to kill. Then I twisted my ankle and my wrist and had a boo boo on my knee, but luckily, Dinendal was there to carry me back. What were you up to?"

Laura bent down to pick a perfect unthorned rose from a vine. "Oh, nothing all that exciting. I spent the day with Lady Galadriel in her garden, teaching her how to channel her powers better to focus her readings from the mirror. Honestly, it's amazing this place didn't fall to ruin during the War of the Ring." Tucking the rose behind her ear, she asked, "Zhie, what were you doing yesterday?"

Nearly jumping at the sound of her name, Zhie said, "What, who? Me? Well, uh, nothing, just as boring as the rest of you. I wasn't responsible for **Lord Celeborn's mysterious disappearance** or anything else for that matter, my, what a lovely day, it appears just a little **cloudy, with a chance of chocolate** covered elf lords. I mean rain," she said quickly, and went back to watching the butterflies.

Before the other two could question the (in relative terms) youngest elleth of the group, the sound of thunder caught their attention. Looking up at the bright sky, they were confused as to where the noise came from until they saw a pair of horses in the distance, and upon them, riders wearing the colors of Mirkwood approached...


	2. Who Wears The Leggings In This Family An...

Title: Who Wears the Leggings in This Family Anyway?

Part Two of the Sarcasm Will Get You No Where... except Middle-earth Saga

Authors: Zhie, Laura, and Mei

Rating: soft R for language, sexual situations

WARNING: Mention of slash, slash does NOT occur.

Disclaimer: We don't own it. If we did, would we be writing about it?

Summary: Three modern day women end up in Middle-earth. What? That's been done? Good, then you already know the ending will be a happy one.

Cast: Everyone we can manage

Notes: This was inspired by the story Missy wrote, for without it this bunny would not have been born, and without that, we'd all be leading such boring lives when we could be running about snogging and jumping elves. Replaces all of the wardens arrows with long stemmed roses. Long live the self-insert story! Written for the JFA Challenge #2

includes not-so-special 'find the other titles' game throughout the story

**Who Wears The Leggings In This Family Anyway?**

Part Two of the **Sarcasm Will Get You Nowhere**... except Middle-earth Saga

As the pair of Mirkwood-clad riders jumped from their horses and onto the ground before the trio of ladies, they struck masculine poses of ones who have just successfully jumped from horses to land securely upon the ground.

"Aye, a vast selection of ladies we have found here in Lothlorien, my father," said the younger elf. The elder nodded. "Ah, me, with three such beauties, I have no way to choose between them," he sighed. "I shall have to court them all."

"Or court none of them," came a voice nearby. Everyone turned to see Haldir and his brothers approach, flanked by Glorfindel and Erestor at one side and Dinendal to the other.

"**Legolas, has it** occurred to you," spoke Orophin, "that you presence here is unwanted?"

"**Orophin's charm has gone missing**, and his manners, too," answered Legolas, speaking to his father rather than to any of the group. "If this is how it is to be, so be it. **Mirkwood versus Lorien** - and may the best elf win!" With that, Legolas and Thranduil remounted, and both rode in the direction of the Great Mallorn.

Dinendal, Haldir, Orophin, and Rumil rushed to Mei, surrounding her protectively. "Was he bothering you?" asked Haldir.

"Shall I challenge him to a duel for your love?" cooed Dinendal.

Erestor and Glorfindel were busily tending to Laura in the same manner, none but Zhie taking note of the figure that approached. Lord Celeborn stopped in their midst, a large picnic basket in his hand. "I, uh... I..."

"We'd love to," answered Zhie, threading her arm through Celeborn's.

"I wasn't sure what dessert to bring," he said as the group skipped happily to the borders. "**Brownies or rum balls?** So, I brought both!"

"Whose idea was it to have a picnic in the flets along the borders?" Laura sighed as Erestor fed her a peeled grape and Glorfindel held a cup of wine to her lips. "I think it was just what we neededa nice and relaxing outing."

Haldir spoke up, excited to take credit for the idea when Orophin suddenly elbowed his elder brother and piped in. "Oh it was mine, my lady! With of course a small bit of help from my brother." He nodded towards a glaring Haldir who was rubbing his side where Orophin's elbow had attacked his ribs.

"Well I for one thought it was brilliant!" Zhie smiled brightly, tossing the swirling mass of ringlets that made up her hair and smiling at the wardens. "How long has it been since you have been out at your own borders?" She turned to her left, asking the silver haired lord who now sat before her in his old itchy uniform.

He grinned triumphantly at the crestfallen looks of Orophin and Haldir for she had turned her full attention to him. "Years since I have been busy running the city and I need only approve any changes to the roust" Celeborn's mellifluous voice was cut off by shouts coming from the upper level flets.

"Orcs!" A scout screamed in a panicked voice. "Tens of thousands of them, crawling out of the Mines of Moria like an army of ants.

Mei, who had stopped her lip locking with Dinendal at the first cry, jumped to her feet in an instant and grabbed a hold of the rope, pulling herself up hand over hand to the upper most flet. Haldir tried to follow behind her, since he was the Captain of the Guard and needed to also access the situation, but she moved so quickly that she was already counting the numbers when he emerged from below.

"Thirty thousand, give or take a couple hundred, I'd say." Mei squinted as she watched the creatures hobbling their way to the forest, like terrible **things that go bump in the night**.

"Alas! We are sorely outnumbered!" Rumil cried as he climbed up, followed by Zhie and Laura who were already mentally communicating strategies. They were on the platform looking out, but a few seconds later.

"Don't worry sweetums." Zhie smiled and patted Rumil on the cheek. "We got it, right Laura? Mei?" The two ellith smiled and nodded as they started barking out orders. "Hope you don't mind Halli-dear, but I think we got this one."

Haldir blushed and then grabbed Zhie's hand, lifting it to his lips to kiss it fervently. "Of course Lady! I know we can count on you, right Lord Celeborn? Lord Celeborn? My lord?"

The Lord of the Wood blinked several times before turning to his Captain, so distracted was he by the elleth's shiny curls. "Yes, yes, **I heard you the first time!** Any help you can give us." And with a nod, he too took instruction from the trio of beauties.

The elves quickly got to their positions and although they were terrified over the impending battle, they had great confidence in their tacticians. So they ran off to gather their needed weapons and head off to their assigned posts. To the untrained eye, they were invisible to all, blending in with their woodland home and every movement they did make, was attributed to the rustling of leaves.

The three ellith and the wardens of their choicesGlorfindel, Erestor, Haldir, Dinendal and Lord Celebornstood on the forest floor, waiting for their company to arrive. Laura was busy creating small blue flamed fires that would not spread without her commands, Mei was fletching new arrows at an amazing rate and Zhie was sitting cross legged, with a large pad of parchment in her lap and scribbling furiously, her tambourine lay at her feet next to her triangle.

The thundering sound grew closer, as did the stench of rotting flesh.

"We've got company, are the hors d'oeuvres ready?" Zhie said quietly as she continued to mark up the page of paper.

Laura snickered, "I was thinking more like BBQ for our guests?" And she punctuated her intent by snapping her fingers to create another blue blaze but this time in the palm of her upturned hand. She bounced the sphere of flames like a ball, yet it never touched her soft flesh, nor did it harm her.

"Hey, hey! Not too close!" Zhie grumbled as she leaned away from the conjuring elleth. "The hair! Watch the hair!"

"Sorry 'bout that." Laura shrugged but she already knew that the flames would only harm their foes. "If you are done, dear Zhie, I think its time."

In the meantime, Mei tossed bundles of hundreds of arrows at their elven guards' feet. "Here, these should hold us. Ready girls?"

"We need a motto, or a battle cry of some sort. Any ideas?" Laura asked as the trio huddled in a small circle and put their hands in the middle.

After a moment, Zhie answered with a little giggle. "I got it! Ready?" The other two nodded and she sang out loudly, "Who let the dogs out?"

"Woof-woof-woof-woof-woof" they all responded in unison.

Mei giggled, "I love that song. Time to open up a can of 'Whoop-ass'!"

"Take your positions!" Haldir commanded. The elves quickly complied, standing at the ready behind the three ladies who now stood in a line and posing like a still from Charlie's Angels.

The orcs squealed like pigs as they entered the woods, not just a little surprised that they hadn't already been set upon by the elven warriors. Their eyes were wild as they scanned the area, looking for any opposition and they were so distracted that they were nearly on top of the ladies when they realized their way was blocked.

"Ah, look at the lovelies." The front most orc cackled and licked his lips. "Here is some sport waiting for us, boys!"

"Eww, you have GOT to be kidding me!" Laura crinkled her nose in distaste and shuddered. She took a deep breath and lifted her arms up sending some of the blue flamed fires up into the air above the forest where they burst into a large fireworks display.

The orcs looked up simultaneously, oohing and aahing like children. While the statement, "Much nicer than what the Balrog can create" could be heard as it repeated through the throng of creatures.

Taking advantage of their distraction, Zhie held up her triangle and gave it a tap. "Mi, mi, miiiiiiiiiiii." She tested her voice before an aria akin to something heard in La Boehme emerged from her lips. "Ai El-ber-eth; Gil-tho-ni-el" She stopped and coughed, the orcs turned their attention to her now, with their jaws dropped and tears pooling in their eyes at the beautiful sound. "Aw Crappers, that SO doesn't work for me. I hope **someone is following me!** With a flamethrower! Or a bunch of pointy sticks!"

Zhie looked to see Laura and Mei smirking. "Thanks. On my own then. Fine. Plan B." She sighed and lifted up the scribbled-on sheaf of paper and continued, her voice echoing in the woods, "DAY OH! DAAA-AA-AY Oh! Daylight come and me wan' go ho-ome."

Laura quirked an eyebrow and snickered at her cue. With a wave of her hands she manipulated her prey. The orcs dropped their weapons and held their arms up to snap their fingers and wiggle their hips.

"Work all night and I drink da rum! Daylight come and me wan' go ho-ome."

The orcs formed the longest samba line the ellith had ever seen as they sauntered back and forth. Their dance moves erratic as their puppeteer struggled to contain her laughter.

"Stack ba-na-na til the morning come! Daylight come and me wan' go ho-ome."

Mei tried not to double over in laughter and it was a difficult task to say the least. She notched four arrows in her bow and waited for Laura to maneuver the creatures in place for the firing squad to do their job. They were lined up in rows of two hundred each and with a whistle from Mei, the elves let loose their arrows, striking the undulating orcs as they shook their groove-things.

This went on for some time, the next line of orcs unwillingly stepping forward to be fired upon and falling like flies, only to be replaced by another line. They were crying in protest yet unable to anything but dance their way to their deaths.

"Hey guys?" Laura called out to her minstrel and warrior sisters, "Arms are getting a bit tired and although Beetlegeuse would be very proud, its too easy. Can we get all Matrix on them now?"

Zhie turned to Laura and Mei, nodded and held up her arms to take the "Praying Mantis" stance, ending her song even to the disappointment of the orcs.

"Yay!" Mei cried out happily and tossed her bow to Dinendal, who was standing some twenty feet behind her. "I'll need that back in a little bit, Gorgeous!" He couldn't help the silly grin that crossed his face and he redoubled his efforts in the slaying of their foes.

The three ladies moved so they each faced a different direction, Mei in the middle with Laura to her left and Zhie to her right. There were only a few thousand orcs left and the girls were ready for a real fight. Laura snapped her fingers to release the orcs from her control and as soon as she did, the trio jumped up in the air, their arms outstretched with their legs bent. They moved quicker than any other the elves or orcs had ever seen, kicking out and connecting with various jaws, necks and cheeks. The orcs converged on them, although they were no match. Each of the trio would grab an orc or two and swing them around so that another could kick their heads off, while the arrows continued to fly around them into the other creatures not within their reach.

Mei turned and yelled at Dinendal so that he tossed her a bow. When she caught it, she rolled into a cartwheel and as she flipped, she reached down to grab an arrow, nock it and fire it into an orc. Laura was in the air repeatedly kicking an orc in the chin and her arms were waving around, sending shock waves out to level smaller surrounding groups. Meanwhile, Zhie was now using the trees in her battle, jumping and grabbing a trunk to spin around it and kicking out to knock out her foes in a circular formation.

The battle quickly wrapped up and within ten minutes, the remaining orcs were all slain. The elven warriors were quickly gathering the bodies and dragging them back to the mountains they came from. The corpses were then set on fire and the smoke that rose from the carnage, created clouds black as night. The ladies were conferring with their elves over the details of the battle and reveling in their triumph.

Glorfindel was finger combing Laura's hair, amazed only a few hairs were out of place after their vigorous exercise. Mei was busy attending to a scratch on Dinendal's chin and cooing over what an excellent warrior he was. And Celeborn could but stare longingly at Zhie as she tried teaching the Harry Belafonte song to Haldir.

"Dammit!"

The balrog slayer stopped to see what had alarmed his lady love. He was alarmed to see her holding up her hands and frowning.

"Broke a nail?" Zhie queried as she approached and stood next to Laura, tsking at the chipped nail she held up.

Laura nodded, "Yeah–those orcs are lucky they are dead, because I'd kill them all over again."

An arm was thrown over each of their shoulders and Mei popped her head between them. "I don't know about you, but all the ass kicking has me fair to starving."

"Oh! Cheesecake sounds great right now!" Zhie bounced on her toes in response. "Let's head home and I'll whip up one in celebration."

Legolas walked over to the table of honor, which was small and round and set at the center of the field among the other tables. "Excuse me, Lady Mei, may I have a word with you?" he asked. "In... private?"

Mei looked at her dinner companions and said, "Anything that can be said to me can be said to my sisters." The other two smiled and nodded.

Swallowing and adjusting himself so that he was upon one knee beside her, he said, "Lady Mei, such beauty and charm I have not seen in many a year, and such prowess upon the battlefield as well. Never before have I felt the urge to approach anyone before, but I feel compelled to do so now. Lady Mei, come with me to Mirkwood. Be my bride, and princess of my realm which one day, and hopefully soon before the end of the age of elves, I shall rule. You need not answer now - **come to me by moonlight**, or **meet me again tomorrow**. I would await a thousand years for your answer, if you so declared it."

Mei looked sincerely touched, and patted his cheek. "Aren't you the sweetest little elf? Sorry, but I must decline. I'm already seeing Dinendal-"

"I under-" he began, but Mei added, "-and Haldir-"

Again Legolas opened his mouth, but could manage nothing before Mei added, "-and his brothers. And the twins, Ferevellon and Fereveldir. That just leaves one day a week open, and it takes three to reach Mirkwood."

Legolas blinked. "I understand," he said finally, looking forlorn, but then he turned to Zhie. "Lady Zhie-"

"No," she said simply and drank from her glass.

With a sigh, Legolas stood up and walked around to Laura, who had her arms crossed over her chest. "Lady Laura-"

"Don't 'Lady Laura' me. What am I, third best that you went to both of them first?" she asked. If she'd have been standing, she would have been tapping her foot as well.

"Forgive me, none of you has beauty to surpass the other, but you share equally in your gifts," he apologized. "But like all others, I fear Glorfindel's wrath," he admitted.

"And well you should, for we are indeed together. Well, and with Erestor, but... really, is it time for dessert yet?" she wondered out loud as her cheeks reddened a bit.

Legolas hastily bid them all good day, and Mei drummed her fingers on the table. "Who cares about dessert? Is it time for us to go home yet?"

"Look," said Zhie to Mei, "I wasn't all that excited when I mysteriously awoke in Galadriel's Garden. However, I've been experimenting through the day, and I have discovered I can play every single musical instrument known to man or elf. Even," and she paused for dramatic effect, "the tambourine."

"No way!" both Mei and Laura exclaimed.

Zhie raised a hand so that they would allow her to continue. "It gets better. Watch this." Standing up from the table in the main field where the tables had been placed for the feast which celebrated their coming to Lothlorien, forever more a holiday in the Golden Woods, Zhie tapped her spoon against her glass. "Attention! Attention! I'd like to say a few words please. First, let me start by saying, thank you so much for your kind welcome. You've all really gone out of your way for us," she said, above the murmurs that it was quite alright, and well-deserved. "And second, with permission from the Lord and Lady," she said, bowing toward their hosts, who smiled and graciously nodded their heads, "I'd like to sing a little song for you."

Her voice, light and silvery, mesmerized even the hardest of hearts as she crooned to the crowd. "She bangs, she bangs! Oh, baby when she moves, she moves! I go crazy 'cause she looks like a flower, but she stings like a bee! Like every girl in history!" When Zhie sat back down, half of the male elves were fanning themselves, while the other half had thudded to the ground.

"Is this crazy or what?"

"I don't know, William Hung, you tell me," whispered Mei as she now stood. Waving her arm in the air, she caught the attention of Lord Celeborn. "M'lord, I have heard rumor of an archery contest tonight following this feast. If there is still space in the competition, I would like to enter," she shouted to him.

Lord Celeborn was about to affirm that she could indeed compete, when Haldir stood up and shook his head. "My Lord Celeborn, never before today have I seen swordsmanship, er, swordswomanship... never have I seen a sword handled so well." At the ladies' table, Zhie took to snickering, and Laura smirked. "Her arrows fly straighter than my own. To test her abilities," spoke Haldir to all who were there, "would be committing a foul deed. Lady Mei, you are a master, er, a mistress of weaponry. Dinendal, fetch the trophies - no doubt we have our winner and no contest is necessary." A great applause arose as Mei accepted the trophies and a kiss from the ga-ga eyed Dinendal.

Clearing her throat and standing up as Mei sat down, Laura looked around the crowd on the lawn, trying to decide exactly what to do - fireworks, bubbles that turned into butterflies, or perhaps even conjuring some sort of rainbow rain clouds. All these she could do, she knew this without trying, but instead she grew solemn and said, "The world is changed. Soon, death will come to this forest - not to the elves, but to the trees. I can feel it, sense it. A great exodus will occur - some will go east and others west. The lady one way… the lord the other… not again to meet for many years…" Laura trailed off, the sky having darkened during her speech, and she appearing to the elves as vibrant, loved, and feared as a Vala.

Upon her throne, Lady Galadriel was silent, but nodded. "This I have foreseen in the mirror," she said quietly. "Though my powers do not allow for such certainty, I can tell from your voice you know this to be true." Then the lady shied away, having seen more than her match in the eyes of the unexpected guest to the forest.

Laura sat down as the music and merriment began again. Mei and Zhie were both giving her a suspicious look. "What?"

"That wasn't magic. That's in the Appendices. And in the movies. And nearly every post third-age Lorien-based fanfic known to us."

"So?" shrugged Laura. "What do you take me for? Some conjuror of cheap tricks?" The ground began to shake, and both Mei and Zhie looked suddenly apologetic. "What the-?"

"Okay, Laura, we're sorry. Me, I'm sorry, I said it, I'm sorry," said Zhie, but Laura shook her head.

"I'm not doing anything," she said as applause broke out. The trio looked up where everyone else was, seeing a large tree towering over the party on the field.


	3. Stars In Her Eyes

Title: Stars in Her Eyes

Part Three of the Sarcasm Will Get You No Where... except Middle-earth Saga

Authors: Zhie, Laura, and Mei

Rating: soft R for language, sexual situations

WARNING: Mention of slash, slash does NOT occur.

Disclaimer: We don't own it. If we did, would we be writing about it?

Summary: Three modern day women end up in Middle-earth. What? That's been done? Good, then you already know the ending will be a happy one.

Cast: Everyone we can manage

Notes: This was inspired by the story Missy wrote, for without it this bunny would not have been born, and without that, we'd all be leading such boring lives when we could be running about snogging and jumping elves. Replaces all of the wardens arrows with long stemmed roses. Long live the self-insert story! Written for the JFA Challenge #2

includes not-so-special 'find the other titles' game throughout the story

**Stars in Her Eyes**

Part Three of the **Sarcasm Will Get You Nowhere**... except Middle-earth Saga

"Hoom ha-room," came the deep voice of the ent as he bent down to inspect the three wide-eyed ladies sitting at the table. "Long have I awaited the entwives to return, but I do believe that my wait is over. Hoom-ha-ra-ha-room, one of you will make a fine bride."

"One of us?" gulped Laura. Mei and Zhie just gulped.

Standing up straight, the ent gave a slight tilt of his head to where Celeborn and Galadriel sat. "It was promised to me that you would find a bride for me, and if not, I could choose any in your forest, ha-roooom."

"Sadly, 'tis the promise we made, and an elf never breaks their promise," announced Lady Galadriel, though she did not look all too sad about it as she took in the crestfallen look her husband had as Fangorn, known otherwise as Treebeard, batted his eyes at Zhie.

"I will allow the three of you to decide among yourselves," offered Treebeard. The three ladies leaned in to the center in a huddle.

"What do you think, girls?" asked Laura.

"I say we run for it. He can't stomp us all at once!" reasoned Zhie.

Mei shook her head. "We need to keep our wits." She made a fist and presented it to the other two. "Scissors, paper, rock. Best four out of seven," she grinned at Zhie.

"I'm never letting you read another thing I write again. And I'll know if the two of you are cheating," she warned.

"How's that?" asked Laura.

"Because I'm the one writing this part," Zhie explained, adding her hand to the middle. On the count of three, they each presented their choice - Zhie and Mei paper, rock for Laura.

"Just wait until I get to writing the wedding scene," mumbled Laura as she stood up, wagging her finger at Zhie. "I'm going to make you Silver Moonbeam Sparkle or something."

"You wouldn't dare," hissed Zhie back as Laura approached Treebeard. "If you put me in something girly and fluffy-" added the minstrel, but she was drown out by some hooming and ha-rooming and a cough from Laura to clear her throat.

"Mr. Treebeard," began Laura with a curtsey, "though I would be honored to marry such a strong and solid creature as yourself, I must decline, for I have found **love at last!** Not in the arms of an ancient and honorable ent, as well you are, but in the arms of an ancient elf reborn, and really, he needs all the help he can get. SOME people keep writing him as being very G-A-Y, and I don't mean happy," she whispered to him.

At the table, Zhie scowled and mumbled to Mei, "He STARTED that way in this fic!"

Striding up in a very rough and rugged manner, Glorfindel swept Laura into his arms. "It warms my heart to hear such words from you, dearest lady. Alas, until you came into the woods only three days ago, I had **never been kissed** by any but... well, enough of that. What matters is that you have shown me that, indeed, there is one with such beauty as I, and it is you. What is more, I love you," he said, and kissed her passionately.

Across the table, Mei glared at a grinning, shrugging Zhie. "What? She can conjure up fire - can you imagine what that would do to my tambourine? Not to mention, my naturally curly shiny hair?"

"You can win this round, but I still have freewill," warned Mei.

"I know, I know," Zhie said nervously, spying a smug looking Lady Galadriel beside Lord Celeborn, who looked on helplessly. "Just buy me some time. Please!"

Mei sighed. "I'll do what I can," she said, getting up and pushing Glorfindel and Laura, still entwined, off to the side.

"Yo, Treebeard!" called Mei from the ground.

"Hoom, you're a pretty one," said the ent.

Mei blinked. "I've already slept with half the wardens in the forest. But tell me where you set up your gift registry, I'll buy you and the, uh, little lady something nice. Ta." Mei scurried around Zhie's chair and into Dinendal's arms. "Strike two, dear, you're up."

Shakily, Zhie got to her feet. It wasn't ent **prejudice, and pride** had little to do with her nervousness. Once again, she snuck a look over her shoulder at the Elf Lord who sat on the edge of his seat, his heart breaking with every step she took. Zhie looked up at the branches that swayed above, but as she opened her mouth to speak, it was not her voice that was heard.

"Wait!" shouted an elf near the back of the gathering. Climbing up the rope ladder a few steps so that he could be seen easily by the others there, Erestor called out again. "I cannot allow this to happen!" he shouted. "There are too many **lies, and lessons** which must be learned."

"Erestor, no!" Everyone turned to see Lady Galadriel standing. Uneasily she shifted and said, "Erestor, you've had too much wine. Come down from there!"

"Nay, I shall not, until the truth be known, my lady. Or," he said, his voice clearly heard by all, "should I say, my wife?"

"Wife?" Lord Celeborn turned abruptly. "Galadriel, what blasphemy is this?"

It was Erestor who answered, jumping down from his perch and walking through the crowd. As he did, he took from the pocket of his vest a folded, yellowed sheet of parchment. "You, m'Lord, have been deceived. For the elleth you married was already, in Valinor, to me. She slayed kin, and for that, I requested a divorce. She would not give one to me, threatening to tell the truth about me, and so I did not press the matter. But I am ready now to reveal that secret," he said, his voice a mere whisper as he came to a halt before them.

"What secret is so... secretive... that you dared not tell?" asked Celeborn solemnly.

Erestor looked down with shame, gathering his courage. When he looked up again, he turned around to meet the eyes of the crowd. "I..."

"Be strong, Erestor," shouted Glorfindel. "Whatever it is, your friends will be here for you."

Bravely, Erestor smiled and shouted out, "I dye my hair." There was an initial shock, for sure, but then a sigh of relief from the whole of the crowd. Everyone, except Galadriel.

Throwing her glass of wine to shatter on the ground, Galadriel pulled out the unsigned divorce papers of ages past and called for a quill. "Here, you want them?" Scribbling her signature, in triplicate, Galadriel rolled them and flung the papers to Erestor's feet. "There you are. I hope you're happy."

During this, Lord Celeborn had pulled out his own marriage certificate, which he had been keeping with him all these years. Looking first at it, then to Galadriel, and back to the document, he began to laugh.

"What's so funny?" demanded Galadriel.

Holding up the sheet, Celeborn tore it down the middle. "I'm not legally bound to you," he said, ripping the sheet one again with each word and then tossing the scraps into the air. He was spinning Zhie in his arms before the pieces of paper had even hit the ground.

"Well I... I..." Galadriel stood up quickly, her chair knocking backward behind her. She raced away from the banquet with tears in her eyes, not seeing where she was going until she bumped right into a tall, strong elf who blocked her path.

"Where are you going, my lady?" asked the elf, steadying her and holding her close.

Sobbing, Galadriel wrapped her arms around his shoulders and sniffled as she retold the tale, adding in some things about a dragon and a troop of orcs and other nasty things to make our heroines look bad that we won't get into. This was followed by the explanation that she was no one's lady, having just been found out as having not been married all this time to the lord of the woods as the elf dried her eyes.

"I think I can fix that," offered the elf sincerely.

"How?" asked Galadriel, dabbing daintily at her eyes, really playing up 'elleth in distress' for him, whoever he was.

"I came to find my princess, but in you I not only find that, but one who can become my queen when time comes that my father either travels west or falls victim to an unfortunate accident involving spiders and lots of raspberry jam." Throwing back the hood of his elvish cloak, Legolas pulled Galadriel into a smoldering kiss before calling his mount, and neither was heard from again until well after our story was finished.

Back at the banquet, things were getting interesting, or at least more interesting than they were away from the banquet.

After giving the retreating figures of Galadriel and Legolas a curious glance, Zhie was brought back from her observation by the nuzzling of another elf against her ear. She giggled and smacked Celeborn on his shoulder, causing him to laugh heartily.

"Care to head back to your place and maybe you could show me around the Great Mallorn?" Zhie whispered against the Silver Lord's neck and gave him a little nip.

He smiled in reply, "Actually I think we will have to find a new place to live." And he whispered something into her ear and her eyes bugged while her mouth gaped.

Zhie turned around to find Treebeard looking forlorn and trying not to look at all the happy couples surrounding him. She placed two fingers in her mouth and whistled loudly to catch his attention. The Ent bent down to see what it was she wanted.

"Hey there Mister Tall, Leafy and Pouty! I think there's something that you might find very interesting if you wanna follow us."

"Haroom-ah-really? And what could that be?" He raised a leafy eyebrow in question.

"The **clue's in the mallorn tree** - the great mallorn!" called out Celeborn. The Lord of Lorien led his lady towards the great mallorn after gesturing Laura and Mei to follow them as well. Treebeard followed the small group as if **walking on eggshells**, taking great care not to smash his feet into any other living creatures. When they stopped at the base of the Mallorn, Treebeard thought something seemed quite familiar and then Laura confirmed it.

"Oh my Gawd!" Laura exclaimed. "Galadriel did this didn't she?"

Celeborn nodded sadly and looked down guiltily. "I couldn't stop her, you just don't know what she's like when she's in one of her moods... once I was strapped down for three days-um, well nevermind about that,. I mean, **don't worry, Rumil fixed it**, but... **did I ever tell you about the time...** "

Laura gave a small wave of her hands before the elf lord could continue and began a quiet whispered incantation, focusing her attention on the large tree. And then it happened. The branches shook and reached up as if they were stretching, dislodging the talan that had been built into it.

"Haaa-rooooooom! Roooom! Raaaaaah rooooorrruuummmm!"

But the sound didn't come from Treebeard, it was more feminine in its timbre. The Great Mallorn now tossed its long uppermost branches until they appeared to look like tendrils of hair. Treebeard was almost beside himself in a mixture of excitement and anger, unsure if he should in joy **spring ahead, fall back** in anger, or simply ha-room a little, but was more than happy when the now very obvious Entwife hurled herself into his embrace. The elves below ducked and ran out of the way of falling leaves and loose branches. If they hadn't been so happy to see this reunion, they would have been terrified and thinking they were under attack.

"Reeem aaaah rooom, if that elf witch were only within reach, oooh raaaah, I would crush her in my branches. But first, I have missed the feel of your bark, Fangorn."

The Entwife pressed herself against Treebeard, a sight that none of the elves below really wanted to see and they hoped the newly reunited couple would run away soon. They were relieved when the Ent grabbed the Entwife by the hand, and they ran off as much as one who was made of wood could run, waving good bye as they left.

"Oh thank Elbereth, I thought they were going to throw down right here and have Ent nookies." Mei shuddered as the group made their way back to the banquet, hoping to drink away the mental image of what could have transpired before their eyes.

The large glade by the **island on the lake** was lit with hundreds of little ornate lamps. The warm glow they emitted reminded the ladies of the enchanted fairy tales they had read as children.

"Most certainly like a fairy tale," Mei said, inspecting her gown one more time. The fabric cascaded down her shoulders, long sleeves reached the floor, the mithril belt on her tiny waist matched the circlet on her brow. Each of them, in fact, had delicate mithril crowns to last the ages, for **mithril doesn't break**, and will last a very, very long time.

Laura and Zhie also dressed in spectacular gowns and fidgeted with their hair and jewelry before the mirror while they took turns peeking out of the tent to see the guests that were gathering.

"Are they all here?" Laura asked.

"All," Zhie responded calmly.

"How can you be so calm anyway?" Mei asked Zhie as she smoothed a non-existent wrinkle on the bodice of her gown.

"She has been practicing all week," Laura said with a wink.

"Practicing?" Zhie blushed in a most charming way, fingering **the lucky stone** that Celeborn had given her and that she had concealed in the palm of her hand. "I most certainly have not!"

The whispers and rustling of gowns outside the tent stopped as the first notes of the music were heard in the clear evening. Shining starts were beginning to appear as if they also wanted to bear witness to this most magical event.

"She did practice," Laura whispered to Mei as they stood in line behind Zhie. "Being the lady of the woods is, after all, a big responsibility."

At a discreet signal by Gandalf, who had come to assist in the bonding ceremony, the tent's flaps were open to reveal three blushing brides ready to walk to the altar. Three very lucky elves squared their shoulders and smiled proudly. As well they should, after all they were going to marry the most beautiful, perfect and charming ellith ever to walk Arda. These were not **random acts of kindness**, but sincere acts of love being seen by everyone present.

As Zhie walked down the aisle the smell of vanilla and spring air wafted through the glade. Smiling, she stood next to Celeborn. He had a hard time making his brain function, so overtaken he was by her beauty. Not in all the time they had been together, nor his thousands of years, could have prepared him for the beauty he now saw.

"My Silver Moonbeam Sparkle," he whispered in her delicately pointed ear, knowing that **poems don't have to rhyme** and that the rhythm of his voice alone was enough to create a verse from the words that he bestowed upon her.

"Celebithilfaen," Zhie translated instantly. "**Nameless no more**," she sighed.

"You never cease to amaze me," he whispered back.

The tall cloaked figure standing before the altar cleared his throat. "May we begin now?"

Dinendla held Mei's perfectly manicured hand in his and kissed it softly, his eyes shone brightly and he had never been happier in his life. When she stood next to him he inhaled deeply, she smelled of sunshine and fresh rain, he could not wait to sign those damn papers and make her his, his, and his alone. Sharing had not been easy on the warden and by Eru was she a popular lady!

Glorfindel's beauty rivaled that of his bride, his midnight blue tunic with incredibly elaborate embroidery perfectly complimented her silvery gown, his shining golden hair hung loose, it was long and bouncy as her dark tresses. Their natural coloring contrasted making them look incredibly well standing side by side. With their finger intertwined they exchanged an uneasy look and Glorfindel briefly glanced back over his shoulder.

A discreet cough made them all look towards the altar again, "may we now begin?" he asked impatiently.

With a heavy sigh Laura nodded, Gandalf helped him remove his cloak, when his features were revealed all but the brides and grooms fell to their knees, his beauty was indescribable, the perfection of his features, the light that shone from his eyes made the stars hide in shame.

A heavy silence quickly substituted the crowd's previous whispering, it was not necessary to make introductions.

"Blessed Iluvatar, He has graced us with His presence!" Some in the crowd whispered. More quickly followed in raising their voices to the almighty.

With a quick wave of his hand he dismissed them. His beautiful voice rang clear through the forest. "We are gathered here together……"

"Wait!"

Everyone looked back, running through the aisle a tall red-headed elf took his place next to Laura on the opposite side from Glorfindel.

"I am sorry," he said as he regained his composure and tried to catch his breath. "Getting rid of the hair dye took a lot longer than expected," he offered as an explanation.

Laura and Glorfindel each kissed him on the cheek. "It is perfectly fine, love," Laura told him.

"My, Ress, you look incredibly handsome," Fin said with a wink.

Raising an elegantly arched eyebrow and shaking his head, Iluvatar started again.

"We are gathered here together..."

In Ithilien, on a balcony overlooking the land, Eowyn stood with a puzzled look on her face. "Dearest," she said to Faramir as she looked down upon the courtyard, "do you know those people?"

Faramir stood and came to join his wife, their hair blown together, tresses of ebony and pale gold intertwined in the light evening breeze, billowing behind them as they looked down to see a small group of elves standing below, waving to him. As he leaned over the rail, three flowered bouquets were tossed up to him, and each he caught with ease to the shouts of 'Thank you, Faramir!' and 'We love you, Faramir!' They then disappeared into the forest, **walkers in the night**, headed to further adventures and tales untold.

"Who are those people?" asked Eowyn, more with curiosity than concern as she followed Faramir back into their private chambers from the balcony. He smelled the flowers before looking up to regard her and her question.

"Oh, I'm not sure. Admirers of my work, I suppose," he said in a very nonchalant fashion as he discretely turned to the reader and winked.


End file.
